Dmitry Orlov

‘Tis election season in the DSA (the Disunited States of America, that is) and, since I happen to be a Russian, it behooves me to engage in our traditional national sport — American election meddling. It is a good, clean sport in which the stakes are purely symbolic and wagering would be pointless. You see, the DSA is not a democracy and it does not matter who is president: the whole place is being flushed down the same golden toilet no matter who gets to sit on it. I have been consistently maintaining that this is the case for many years now and it is indeed the case now more than ever, though less than it will be tomorrow or the next day, so please continue to pay close attention.

What is Joe Biden? He is a vacant cipher of a man backed by a crack team of mostly Jewish neocons. He recently took a vacation from his vacation to give a campaign speech in which he read some lines from two teleprompters, one to the left of him, one to the right, swiveling from one to the other between sentences. Then his microphone was turned off. This was a sensible precaution, given that Biden likes to ad lib — and when he ad libs he confabulates most preposterously. Nobody needs to hear his spontaneous soliloquies — he was “a po’ black chile growin’ up in Mississippi when his momma tole ‘im…” or some such, so microphone off and loud music as soon as the prepared speech is over is now standard procedure. As to the speech itself, that’s best left to an AI program: just give it a word count and tell it to riff on the subject of “Orange Man bad” (Orange Man being Donald Trump).

Meanwhile, the Orange Man is not a vacant cipher at all. Although he does repeat himself (a sign of his advanced age) he is still full of verve, vim and vigor. What’s more, he knows exactly what’s going on: he recently wished that the American economy would collapse sooner rather than later because he does not wish to be another Herbert Hoover, whose bad luck was to hold the great office during the onset of the Great Depression. Instead, he wants to be inaugurated in time to pick up the pieces while blaming the inevitable disaster on his awful predecessor. But that’s where Trump’s thinking goes off the rails, letting his boisterous, crowd-loving personality get the better of him, for if he were able to reflect on the situation in a detached and dispassionate way he would realize that there is no America to be made great again and that nobody in their right mind should want to be its president.

I believe that the Disunited States of America will devolve into a disordered heap of squabbling, disrupted, destitute states and counties, warring urban ghettos and a whole lot of wrecked, pockmarked, toxic wasteland. Right now, it is barely able to persist thanks to a bag of hot air known as the federal debt which is growing ever huger and ever hotter. The debt is in a runaway mode, rolling over into shorter-term and higher interest rate paper until… poof! Past that final “poof!” the federal government stops functioning; game over. Bureaucracies are very durable things, growing ever larger, more powerful and more bureaucratic, and America’s federal bureaucracies are no exception, but the Achilles’ heel of all bureaucracies is their budget: stab them in the budget and they shrivel up and blow away, leaving behind abandoned hulks of vacant office buildings.

Some people still choose to comfort themselves with the idea that the mighty US dollar is still mighty because so many people have so much of it. Well, I have quite a lot of delicious Olivier salad still sitting in my fridge, left over from the New Year celebration a dozen days ago. It is very rich, full of the nutritious goodness of ham, vegetables and mayonnaise; perhaps I should claim it as an asset and add it to my net worth? It is delicious, I tell you! Some people also choose to comfort themselves with the idea that the mighty US dollar is still mighty because it is still being used to settle some large, though shrinking, percentage of international trade. Well, people do tend to show a great interest in the chips of any given casino as long as there remains the possibility of exchanging them for some real money. Once that possibility goes away, all they remain good for is playing tiddly-winks with the kindergartners.

On purely humanitarian grounds, I want to spare Trump the pain and agony of discovering in the course his very first cabinet briefing once elected that the mighty federal bureaucracy over which he was elected to preside has gone “poof!” Let him enter his dotage (he is old, you know) while persisting in his comfortable and inspirational fiction that if only he were allowed to run things again, America would be made Great Again. And it appears that the only way to make that happen is to give Biden another term. And… I have what I believe is a really good, workable plan on how to make that happen.

The first thing to observe is that very few people, sane or (more likely) otherwise, would want to vote for a near-cadaver like Biden. Some of the sanest and most clueful ones might even be paying attention to the unspeakable atrocities Israel is carrying out against the Palestinians, somehow relate this to the fact that Biden’s cabinet is stocked with Jews who are, in a knee-jerk sort of way, pro-Israel, and propagandize this fact among numerous members of the general populace, conditioning them to imagine piles of dead Palestinian babies and to projectile-vomit at the very mention of Biden’s name. Then, were an actual election to be held, in spite of a record-low turnout (many voters have been pre-conditioned to projectile-vomit at the very mention of Trump’s name), Trump would sail into the White House and into history as The Last US President, stealing Biden’s laurels. Thus, it is essential to prevent an actual election from being held, just like the last time.

Like the last time, the proven and efficacious way of doing this is by means of a man-made virus. To this end, we should consult Shí Zhènglì (石正丽), a.k.a. “The Bat Woman of Wuhan” and see what other viruses she has up her… test tube. The ideal virus would be none too lethal but quite contagious and somehow spectacular. Perhaps this one would make people break out in spots and, obviously, require wearing masks in public to cover up said spots. Thinking of the overall viral ad campaign, it would make sense to introduce some fashion elements: revive the fashion of wearing artificial beauty spots — little black circles, to cover up the spots, used as part of makeup, pioneered by Margaret Lucas Cavendish, Duchess of Newcastle-upon-Tyne, 1623–1673, which she used to hide her persistent zits. It would also help to introduce a new dance craze to hint at the sudden lethality of the new virus: called “The Plank,” it would include some of the usual gyrations, but in addition periodically half the dance floor would go stiff as a plank and do a trust fall, with the other half catching them; after that the usual gyrations would resume.

In order for this plan to work smoothly, it will be essential to discretely clue in the Chinese and the Russians. The Chinese would automatically be in the loop since the virus would be, once again, from Wuhan, but the Russians should get a free sample of the virus, conveyed in secret to Alexander Ginzburg, director of N. F. Gamaleya Federal Research Center for Epidemiology & Microbiology in Moscow, giving the center enough time to develop a vaccine, perhaps to be named Gopnik-V, which would then be sold to dozens of countries around the world, earning Russia billions of dollars just as it did with the 91.6% effective Sputnik-V. The Chinese and the Russians would then be fine with this plan, treating as a profitable opportunity and an entirely internal American political matter.

With the new virus spreading and lavishly propagandized and with people breaking out in spots all over the country, it would be possible to accomplish two important things. First, it would provide the rationale to throw caution to the wind and to fire up the dollar printing press again, emitting into circulation tens, then hundreds, then thousands of trillions of dollars of “helicopter money,” flooding the economy with free, though increasingly worthless, digital currency, thus masking the unfolding financial and economic collapse until after the election in November. Second, it would necessitate bringing back lockdowns, school shutdowns and working from home, paving the way to… electronic voting via smartphones. In the midst of a pandemic, you see, it would be inexcusable to allow anyone to vote in person.

The voting would be via a smartphone app and an internet server located in Wuhan, China. Why China? That’s so that anybody who brings up this scandalous fact could be labeled a conspiracy theorist and, if necessary, charged with sedition and imprisoned. The server should be pre-installed with a secret AI module that seemingly randomly converts Trump votes into Biden votes often enough to ensure a Biden victory while leaving no verifiable audit trail. Anybody with a US IP address should be able to vote, citizenship be damned, since that’s the trend anyway. Oh, and any foreigner smart enough to fake a US IP address using a VPN should definitely be allowed to vote, being so much smarter than the average US voter.

With these measures in place, Biden would sail to an easy election victory and a second term in office even while mouldering in his basement throughout the election campaign just like he did the last time. But then what if Biden croaks? Apparently, senile presidents are by now allowed to remain in office, but is having a dead president in office still a bridge too far?

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Via https://boosty.to/cluborlov/posts/965537b3-fa0e-4631-afdf-c39b41e431ab